Power of No (Cognitive Reframing)
In today’s society where we all have become accustomed to instant gratification, being told yes is the norm, not the exception. Our pleasure centers have an insatiable desire and commercialism feeds our every need by putting what we want at our fingertips.
Conditionally, we are also taught to treat a maybe as a possible yes, something to continue to pursue until the offeror succumbs to our wishes and says yes. Delayed gratification, but ultimately a yes nonetheless.
Conversely, we learn very early on that no is a bad word. We don’t want to hear it, we don’t want to see it. No stops our progress and signals that we cannot have what we want. We develop such a fear and unromantic love affair with the word no, that we will do almost anything to avoid it, including stifling our dreams.
Some of my earliest remembrances as a child involve being told the word no. Now granted. Most of those no’s were said to keep me safe or headed in the right direction.
No, you cannot put your finger inside of that socket
No, you cannot ride your bike in the street because other kids are doing it
No, you cannot pretend to be sick in order to miss that math exam; go study
As we get older, we look to avoid hearing the word no at all costs – and sometimes to our detriment. It gets to a point we even begin to tell ourselves no when we think we should not or could not do something.
I’m not good enough for that school so no, I won’t fill out an application
No, I shouldn’t go for that job because I cannot do those 3 things in the description
I don’t know how to ask for a promotion, so no, I’ll wait until they give me one
Much like a traffic light, our minds have been conditioned to think the following:
Go Yes
Slow down Maybe
Stop No
The word no is not your enemy! In fact, as you become older and more experienced, I am here to let you know that the word no is in fact your best friend. It is for that reason, I offer a cognitive reframing, using colors, for the three 1-word answers we hear the most: Maybe, Yes and No.
Actively Dissolve Maybes
When chasing your dreams, definitive answers are preferable. But it’s easy to become optimistic about a maybe. They allow you to believe you have a chance. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a chance. But how much energy do we find ourselves expelling on chances? The wanting, the longing, the hoping, the check ins, the narratives we build if we hear yes. For instance, if the answer was a yes, then you would already be living that dream. If it was a no, you stop focusing immediately. You can shut that door and quickly shift your energy to another opportunity.
Three takeaways from hearing the word maybe are:
Can be a waste of time and energy
Make you lose focus and slow down pivots
Are the furthest distance away from an answer
Therefore…
Reduce the number of maybes you have in your short-term goals
Celebrate Hard-Earned Yeses
Imagine a world where everything you ever asked for, you were told yes. Yes to every job you applied to. Yes to every contest you entered. Yes to every person you’ve asked on a date. Yes to every silent auction you ever bidded on. If this were true, one of two things would be true. Either you’re in a dream-state where your mind has the ability to control everything into your favor…and you’ve yet to awaken. Or you only go for things when the odds of winning are 100% in your favor. Conversely, you avoid all of the things where you have an opportunity to lose or where the odds are less favorable.
A more realistic assessment is that you’ve worked hard to obtain the skills and experience you possess. These attributes allow for you to strive for higher and higher reward and stature. But because you’re always reaching for better and more which are outside of your comfort zone, you are vulnerable to answers that are not always yes. That said, when you finally do receive that yes, it feels well deserved.
Three takeaways from hearing the word yes are:
Ladder up to a better you!
Build confidence and assurance that the work you’ve done earns you more!
Should be few and far between
Therefore…
Revel in a yes you worked hard to achieve
Seek Important No’s
The best lawyers still only win a percent of their cases. The best swimmers still only win a percentage of their meets. The best bakers have had the pleasure of throwing burnt bread in the garbage. In other words, even the best have losses. But those loses come from returning over and over again looking to be better, to be more perfect at a craft that asks them to leave their comfort zone for higher levels of achievement.
How do you find out if you can do something new if you only apply yourself to those things you know? The answer is to reach for, apply for, strive for those things even yourself says you cannot do. So many of us pass up on opportunities by telling ourselves we cannot achieve a goal without making an attempt. This is the crime of being afraid of the word no. In order to hear it, you have to put yourself in the way of it.
Three takeaways from hearing the word no are:
Step outside your comfort zone to develop strengths unknown
Do not talk yourself into a no - let THEM tell you no
Ask why? And with good reason, accept it and fortify
Therefore…
Search for opportunities bigger than what you know
In conclusion, I want you to think differently about your old friend no. Don’t let him hide. Don’t avoid him. Prepare for him. And learn to embrace the disappointment that comes with hearing the word no. It is also a sign that you attempted to do something outside of your limitations. It is hard to grow when you stay the same. As you step forward in the world, know this:
The more no’s you go after, the more you are looking for opportunities to be better tomorrow, than you are today.
